Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
