Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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