Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
