I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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