Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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