You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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