I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
