im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Green mimosas i think yes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
