So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
