For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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