just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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