I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
