I want to have your abortion
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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