I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
