He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
3 2 1 whiskey
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
