I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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