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Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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