Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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