If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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