Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
