Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
