um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
