Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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