Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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