i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
