we have pet lesbian snakes
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
