Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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