I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
