I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize