Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
