Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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