I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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