Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize