Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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