my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
