I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
