Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
