i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
