She said her name was "party"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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