I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
