I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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