Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
