Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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