i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
