I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
