He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I want her autograph on my taint
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
