can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
