Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
