I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize