I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
