The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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