I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
