I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
