I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my shit smells like andre
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Panties = found
Randomize
