I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
