I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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