Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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