I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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