I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need moral support for this bender
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
