How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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