he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
