i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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